スタートが遅いんだよ

決してはじめてのことではないんだけど、“中高とその機会があったときちゃんと勉強しておけばよかった”と思うことが多いにある。
今からでもきっと遅くないとよく人は言うけど、私の場合　学びたい事がたくさんありすぎてどこからはじめればいいのかわからない。
持続性にも欠け気味であるけど、なぜか学習意欲と学習成果がシンクロナイズしていないみたい。


その代わり、ただひたすらに自分の不器用さが目立ってて、
穴があったらもぐりたい。。。

かあちゃん

There's something I've wanted to write about for a couple of days.
I haven't been able to bring myself to writing about it. It brought me a great depression and unbearable feelings and I am having very difficult time dealing with it.

I knew though, I must keep a record of this special yet very sad day somehow.
I feel like all I can do now is to acknowledge her death and accept it and I will remember her as long as I live to pass down her story onto my decendents.

My beloved grandmother, Aiko 愛子 died on October, 12th 2007 at 6:25pm.

She was living in Niigata prefecture, which is in the nothern part of Japan. She was born in May 19th, 1923 (Taisho12）in Chiba, and grew up in Itabashi, Tokyo. She had experienced both the great Kanto earthquake and the Niigata earthquakes. She lived through WWll and often told me about the air raids. She was married to Toyosu who was a Navy pilot (b. March 5. 1915, Taisho4 - d. 2004) of Niigata when she was 18 years old. They had 3 girls and 3 boys and she was my mother's mother and my mother was their 3rd child. Since my father's mother was already deceased when I was born, grandmother Aiko was the only grandmother I have ever known.

All my life, I have been living quite distance from her. Between living in Tokyo and in the USA, the distance from whichever were far enough for me to not see her so often.
Now she is gone from this world and the confirmation of her death by my mother's mail brings me the realization that I will never to see my grandmother again. I hardly understand how to consolidate my sense of loss, disappointment, and regret. The sense of loss is greater than I imagined, I am regretting because I am so far from her and not being able to say "goodbye" for the last time.
Tears well up in my eyes at ramdom hours.

Will I ever be able to move on?
What does it mean to move on?
My physical life here is moving forth. I will wake up tomorrow and I will have another day.
But I just feel so empty, all my emotion has been evaporated into thin and colorless air so that I can't seem to get a grip on it.
It feels like I have a huge hole in my heart and that my body is moving involuntarily without my soul.

My only consolation for now is to think for her... she is with my grandfather finally and that is where she wanted to be since my grandfather's death 3 years ago. I believed she lived her life fully and I know now she will be always watching over me.

I wish she will rest in peace with her loved ones forever.

food for thought

朝 窓から差し込む温かい光を浴びながら、
ちょっとヘーゼルナッツのアロマが漂うコーヒーを飲みながら、
コンピューターに向かってメールをチェックする。

「あ〜あ」と背を延ばした瞬間、窓に反映した私の手の影。
そしてその手の影が造り出す形に魅了、遊んでみる。

バックグラウンドにあるコンセントが気になる。

こんな瞬間は多分私が気づかないだけで、
1日中にたくさんあるんだろう。
もっと私のアンテナを敏感にしてしっかり観察したい。
そしてもっとこんな瞬間を大切にしよう。



影 (shadow),
反映 (reflection)
層（layers) over lapped times=past, present, future, co-existence
things that are left to be reminded...
maybe something like carcass?
it might be drier than that.